Sisters

this isn't my typical "update on the kids" posting, but I really wanted to share some things that I am learning. Joe and I both have been reading "How to be Filled With the Holy Spirit" by A.W. Tozer. I was really moved in my heart when I read this many years ago, but it has had a different meaning for me this time around. I can say with certainty that due to the precious sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, the work of salvation in the individual is quite as simple as (and I am no theologian...) knowing that I am sinful and believing (with quite as simple a faith as a child might have) that Jesus paid for my sins and I am forgiven. It's a free gift and takes no work by the receiver. The process of becoming like our perfect Savior is quite a different endeavor that only God can make happen in us. However, as I am experiencing in fullness, there is quite a lot of relinquishing and obeying that must happen in response to God's work in our hearts. This is where I pick up with what I've been reading. The version I have been reading is actually doubled with another book by a missionary of Japan (for nearly 30 years). She shares her experience of discovering how "self" oriented she was and how through many years the Lord helped her to relinquish her selfishness one bit at a time. Until this happens, the Spirit can not live out His power in our lives. So, she suggests that we pray (as I did last night) and ask the Lord to bring to the surface all of our self love and tear it from us. Each time he brings something to the surface we need to confess it to Him. Of course it would be many days before He revealed something to me (ha, ha). First thing this morning, before I was hardly even awake, He made a truth glaringly clear to me that I have not before recognized. I have been aware of something ugly in my heart for some time, but have not been able to fully understand what the root issue (or rather sin) was. This morning He showed me. As I grumbled and complained at my husband, my baby (how dare he wake up before the appointed time) and even probably the shoe in my way, or the pillow that didn't support my head right.... I saw in my heart that I am like those that Jesus described when he said

"For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren
only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so?" Matthew 5:46-47

Now, I would have immediately thought that I often love those that are more enemy than friend, and maybe that is true. But what the Lord showed me is that I love when I want to. I serve when it feels nice, or I am in the mood to, or I desire to emotionally. Catch me when I dragging, or down, or weary, or sick, and I still might serve and love, but my hearts attitude will be markedly different (thus my grumbling this morning when I had intentions to sleep later, contrary to the needs of my family). On another day, I might have hopped up cheerfully and cared for Ben and tucked Joe in to sleep longer, but that would have been on a day that I wanted to do that.

Oh boy, and this is just the first bit of "self" that He is rooting out.